The 13 Best Pieces Of Advice I Got From Inspiring Clickbait Listicles

Happy 2016 everyone! With the New Year come new resolutions to better myself spiritually and professionally! Below are 13 pieces of the best advice I’ve found from prominent business, marketing, social media and life leaders that will help you make the most of the year to come!

1 – Tell Your Story

Nobody cares about you, but tell them your story anyway. They won’t listen, but at least you’ll get to hear yourself talk.

2 – Live Authentically

If you don’t own any authentically made goods, buy some.

3 – Have Something To Say

What do you really stand for? What separates you from all the other clickbait bloggers? How meaningful are your clicks? This isn’t advice, but serious questions for you to really think about.

4 – Always Keep A Notebook Handy

Then hide your phone in that notebook. That way, people will think your spending all your time going over deep thoughts instead of stealing content ideas from Instagram.

5 – “Inspiration” Is For Wimps

So find someone who’s inspired and take their lunch money.

6 – Reimagine Your Content

Because whatever you’re putting on the internet, it’s shit. It’s all shit. Including this.

7 – Make Up Your Own Wordypoos

Whoever said a fitzroy couldn’t waddlestack didn’t phlank a gingerboom.

8 – Have A Strategy For Your Everyday Life

How do you craft a strategy for a day in your typical life? At the end of each day, go over everything that happened to you. Then, write a strategy you can retrofit to what you did so it seems like you did it on purpose.

9 – Be Accountable. Unless It Was Your Fault.

People – especially bosses – love it when you own up to things. So don’t be afraid to take credit for something that happened, unless it was that sizeable mistake you made last Tuesday.

10 – Answer A Question With A Question

If you give an answer, someone might listen to you and that could come back to haunt you.

11 – Believe In Something Bigger Than Yourself

Like money. A big pile of money.

12 – Think Like Mark Zuckerberg

After he sleeps with a girl, he probably points to his penis and says to her, “You and 12 others like this.” Try doing that.

13 – There Is No Vaccine For Virality

Contagious content is king. So keep your poison vaccines away from my content. Please share this.

Rolling Stone: All 1 Terrible SNL Article Writers, Ranked

As you probably know, this past weekend marked the 40th anniversary for Saturday Night Live. Comedy snob or not, you have to admit this is a remarkable achievement. (Yes you do.) Forget the debate about which era was best, which was worst, and whether or not the show should even be on the air anymore. It has a lot of issues but it’s 90 minutes of original comedy, every week. That’s crazy to me. It took me over a year to write five minutes of stand up material I didn’t hate. Forget about whether the show should be that long, it’s just not an easy thing to do.

And yet Rolling Stone has deemed some guy, Rob Sheffield, capable of ranking all 141 cast members in the history of Saturday Night Live. Lists like these are subjective, stupid and, of course, meaningless. And yes, I don’t agree with the rankings. I didn’t have to get past Norm Macdonald at #135 to know I didn’t need to read the rest of them. Whoever this guy is, he’s entitled to his opinion. (He might not even be behind the actual rankings, but his name is on them.) What I really take issue with is his mean-spirited, dismissive write-ups for some of the cast members.

Every single one of these people contributed more culturally to the world in one sketch than Rob Sheffield ever will writing hot take click-bait garbage like that article. (Not to mention his rankings of the best SNL Characters ever.) This is the kind of arts “journalism” that made me quit writing criticism. It doesn’t contribute anything to the world. And neither does the guy writing it.

But in the spirit of hot takes and jumping on a cultural event to garner site traffic, I now present to you my insanely lazy, ruthlessly quick ranking of every Terrible Rolling Stone SNL Article Writers ever!

1. Rob Sheffield

cornyrob

I don’t know who Rob Sheffield is and neither do you. Let’s check back in with him on the 40th anniversary of his SNL article.

When’s Your Book Coming?

I had some friends over on New Year’s Eve, shortly after I started writing things on here again. (I refuse to say “blogging” even if that’s what this is.) They asked me why I had started again, why I stopped in the first place, and if I was going to write anything else.

I shrugged. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what I’m doing with it. I’m not very good at committing to things, especially personal creative projects.

Then one of them looked at my bookshelf and noticed the debut novel of a friend of mine, The Dilettantes. He turned to me and asked, “When’s your book coming, Warren?”

I shrugged. I have only ever taken a crack at writing a book once, about five or six years ago. I entered the 3-Day Novel Contest and finished a roughly 50 page draft of a half-cooked idea. I sent it to my friend Michael who had already written a book, received his constructive criticism, revised the draft, and haven’t opened it since. I’m not sure why.

At the time, I remember thinking I had a decent idea for a book. Not that I would necessarily know it if I did. It seems like that when you do any kind of writing on a regular basis (especially if you do it as a job), people kind of expect you to eventually write a book of some kind. But it’s not an easy thing to do. At least I don’t think it is, I’ve never really tried it.

I think part of the problem is the writers expect so much of themselves that they think their first book will never be good enough. Actually, forget the first book. The first draft will never be good enough. We don’t stop to realize that maybe, just maybe the first one doesn’t have to be perfect. We do revisions on our writing all the time but somehow expect ourselves to write something on that scale perfectly on the first go. I mean, I’m almost certainly going to come back and find grammatical errors in this after I have posted it. I’m going to write those revisions. So why can’t I write a book?

Partly because I’m not sure what I would write about. I’m not sure I could pick up a five-year-old draft of a novel and continue working on it. I’m not sure it’s even a story I would want to finish. But I guess there’s really only one way to find out.

Maybe it’s all about holding yourself accountable? Let’s try that. I will finish a draft of a novel by the end of 2015. And it will be perfect.

I have no idea what I’m doing

I haven’t written a blog post like this in about four or five years. I used to write them all the time. They varied from embarrassing drunken confessionals in university to embarrassing sober holier-than-thou rants for the university newspaper. A lot of depth to my work, I know.

For the last five years, I’ve been making my living as a copywriter for advertising agencies. Something about having a day job where you write and/or think for eight plus hours a day makes you not want to rush back home to sit at your computer and write some more. Especially when you’re already getting paid to write, even if it is for an eye lash enhancing drug endorsed by Brooke Shields. Instead, I tried using my free time to try other things: photography, improv, stand up comedy, etc.

Those things were and continue to be great, but as cliched and corny as this sounds and reads, I felt like something was missing. Writing used to be something I always did when I wasn’t at school, when I wasn’t working a shit kitchen job, when I wasn’t trying to eke out a journalism career in Edmonton. It was always what I turned to at the end of the day. So I’m turning to it again.

I’m posting this today because god forbid someone thinks this is some kind of New Years resolution to get back to writing like I used to.

How fucking lame would that be?